LIFE THROUGH MY EYES: Finding You 6

Finding You 6

I'm back there again.

This time, it's all in my head. 

These  are my memories.

Something I lived through and remembering makes me feel all powerless again.

That day had started with my roommate Agatha preparing a pot of ogbono soup. It aroma had filled the room and as my mouth watered, I couldn't help but beg her for a little quantity. Agatha hadn't been a giver so it had took the Lord's  prayer and her mouth turning into a pout. I had prepared a little quantity of eba to accompany it with. 

As I settled down to devour my meal, Ben call had came in. I had been excited, we hadn't talked for like two days prior to that day so you can imagine the excitement. I had picked my phone with my left hand and pressed the receive button gently.

"Hello Jane" he had said.

"Hi" I had answered. After pleasantries, he had continued with "Would you like to come over to my place today" 

None of us uttered anything after that. Then I had replied with a simple "Yes"

I had never been to his place prior to that day so I felt it was a big deal. I dressed up nicely. A flowery long skit and a shirt. I felt good. After saying my goodbyes, I had walked out of the hostel. It had took about fifteen minutes to reach his place, and by the time I got down from the motorcycle I had taken, I was pretty nervous.

His place looked okay. A self contained apartment with free water facilitates. I had stayed all my years in college in the hostel but been to various off campus accommodation; none had been able to compete with his. He had opened the door in his joggers and a white plan shirt that had a little stain on it's neck.

Hell, it had been awkward. Once again exchanging pleasantries like we hadn't done that hours before. He had invited me to sit on a plastic chair in his room, him on another. There had been two. I had looked around his room which wall had been bare blue except for a few artistic drawing, his friend Dave had drawn in a frame. 

Then a little conversation had started. Honestly, it had been quite boring because most of the things we talked about where things were things we already talked about. Then the shout came. I hadn't acknowledge it a first. Maybe I thought it was a fragment of my imagination but by the time, I heard it again, I was more certain.

"Ben what was that?" I quietly asked.

"Just some of my lodge mates having fun" he answered without looking at me. When I heard it again, It didn't sound fun to me. I felt this person with this voice was panicking. I couldn't sit still as the voice kept echoing and I started panicking myself. I begged Ben to check but his reply was that "It's a normal thing "

 It didn't feel normal to me.

 Seeing my reaction, he walked out, going outside. When he came back, the voice was quiet. He came back in with a smile but within me I felt whatever was going hadn't stopped.

I didn't stay after that. I was too terrified to pretend to be in a conversation I wasn't feeling. He had called when I reached the hostel and my reply had been single answers.

........

Two days later, I had found out what really went on that day. I had been walking into my hostel building when I overheard two ladies discussing it. It was the name of the place that caught my attention. It was Ben's lodge and according to them, a girl had been brutally raped the day of my visit. I hadn't wanted to believe it, then some days later more people had confirmed it. 

I had felt so numb. I mean there I was, sitting not far away from where this terrible thing was happening. What broke me most was that according to sources, It hadn't been the first time something like that had happened there. Had Ben been aware of all that was going on three doors from him and turned a blind eye. Is that was minding your business really is? I had been confused. The mere thought of it made me sick. I could remember her scream. I felt not okay.

.....

I didn't hear from Ben until days later. I mean I should give him A for that you know. With the way the whole school was talking about it, he knew I had figured everything out and was in no mood to talk. I had let him ring for a while before I picked. "I'm sorry" was all he said

Did he know what was going on and didn't stop it?. I didn't hear from him after that. We saw each other in pathways and it was awkward "Hi" while avoiding to look each other in the eyes. 

There was no way things were going to be our kind of normal again. I mean we were still in the "getting to each other better" phase when everything happened so it would be so hard to repair what ever damage the situation had done. 

.......

"Maybe we should just let it go Ben" my mouth say quietly. My heart says something different.

 There is no way it would be easy to let go. The memories would still be here. Maybe I would,at one point, learn to forgive myself. Years I have punished myself because of that day. I had thought, maybe if I had went outside myself that day, maybe things would have been different.

Ben is a different story. The pain in his eyes are clear indications that the memories are still here. We never even get to learn if we would be good for each other. 

For years, it had been so hard to trust. My relationship had been fickle, me trying to find a problem in every single one I had involved myself into. Too caring, too political, I had searched for faults like a detective.

I need to find myself.

Maybe if I do, I'll  learn how to love again.

Post by: Abdul Abubakar 

IG: @archer015

Facebook: Habdul Archer

Twitter: @archer_015