BURIED 2: GUILT - Paradigm With Rygles

Paradigm with Rygles
Buried 2: Guilt

My fault?
I think to myself
why so weak?
why so gullible?
My image in the mirror
The dirt I feel
Nothing I do helps
I can't feel clean
There's nothing to me anymore
Finished, trash, disgusting
That's what I am
Why did I let this happen?
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why do I have to wake up each day?
Forget,
Don't remember
It's better that way
It didn't happen
It's Buried
     : Last time on paradigm, we started a series talking about abuse in different areas, Abuse can happen to anyone and by anyone, you can't really know someone in its entirety. There are a lot of side effects people who have been abused go through, some more obvious than others, some might not show but lie in the subconscious and controls their reaction to certain situations.
    A lot of times the person forgets- subconsciously buries the memories because of the pain and humiliation attached to it. I mean, who would want to remember being robbed of something entirely precious?(yourself),that's what it feels like. The fact that such memories are buried doesn't mean they're gone, it doesn't mean there aren't any underlying effects. It's sad that in a society like ours without much monitoring system, people tend to take matters like this lightly, it happens so frequently that people aren't outraged anymore when issues of sexual harassment arises (Rape isn't the only form of sexual harassment)
  The psychological trauma of being molested is one of the hardest thing to overcome in life, self-hate, low self esteem, guilt, shame, and so many others are part of the effects of abuse. The focus of today is be guilt.
   Guilt means taking responsibility for a wrongdoing, it might not seem rational as to why you as a "victim" (still don't like that word) would blame yourself for something that you could not control. It always feels like its your fault, there's something you could have done, fought harder, be better, be less gullible, be more bold, like there's something different you could have done to avoid it. Even when counsellors and psychologist tell you that it's not your fault, it doesn't change that feeling, your entire persona is damaged because you feel damaged, you feel broken, a lot of these emotions can lead to depression and when the person doesn't see light at the other side, hope becomes a difficult thing to imagine.
   Guilt should naturally come from the assailant, what he/she did was wrong, she/he had no right whatsoever to touch what was yours, but even that thought doesn't help, with guilt unavoidably comes shame, shame of being defiled, shame comes with humiliation,when you feel humiliated, low self esteem says hello...  Thing is when as a person you are able to go through these motions and come out standing, it means you won, the saying "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is one of my favorites.
   I'm not going to say it's not your fault, but it happened, it doesn't make you any less a person, it could have happened to anyone, maybe the people around you don't understand or even know, maybe they can't see through your mask even though you desperately want someone to see you, the damaged you, the broken you, even if no one sees it, you should know no one is more precious than you, it's okay to be broken, not every broken thing is useless, some scars are beautiful, it's not easy, it's difficult, but remember the person/ people who did that don't have to keep winning, karma happens.
    Discover you in that deep black void, in that weakness get strength, in that guilt get a sense of justice, in that humiliation get pride, in that hopelessness get hope, in that shadow look at the light, in that torment get your badge of honor because you survived!!! It's something to be proud of, not everyone that goes through what you went through survives, most people can't go through that.
    You are beautiful, you are strong, you are a badass and even if this doesn't make you feel better, I'll still say it, it's not your fault, Nothing you did caused it, you are not responsible for other people's actions. Even if you feel guilty, forgive yourself, it's the first step to healing, it's not over.

Post by: Glory Eric
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Gmail: rygleserik@gmail.com
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